They say the universe doesn’t give you more than you can handle. But maybe that’s not true. Maybe life is meant to test how strong you’ve grown. And each life you grow stronger than the last. Change is the only constant. So maybe that’s what life is for. Maybe the reason we’re here is to strengthen ourselves. Mentally. Emotionally. Physically. Spiritually. It doesn’t matter what you believe. Just have faith in something. If nothing else, have faith in yourself. Because we all have a reason. Nobody is the same. So nobody’s journey is either. Different lessons. Different choices. Different people. But the same heartbeat. The same need to breathe. The same desire to love. If people could look at what we have in common and realize that the differences are what make us beautiful maybe we could change this world. For the better.
So I want to believe in magic and romance and true love, so what? I know it isn’t always happy bubbles and sunshine. I know that you have to have the bad to know how to cherish the good. But why can’t true love exist? Why can’t we have a real life romance?
I’ve been shown that people like that exist, that gentlemen are actually real. So maybe the romance and fairytale can be real too… I know fairytale seems unrealistic but I don’t want some Disney fairytale where everything always turns out perfect. I want a real life romantic fairytale. One where there is bad and nitty gritty and things don’t always turn out ok…but through everything we’re there for each other.
Why can’t love win??? Why can’t I have love? That kind of love, that I’ve always dreamed of??? I don’t expect happily ever after, just happy together. Through all of the tough shit we are still together and will always fight for each other. Why can’t that be real?
Maybe I’m naive. Maybe I’m asking too much. Maybe I’m a dreamer who’s just dreaming to big. But maybe, just maybe, dreams can come true. I don’t care, let me be naive and live in my dream that one day someone will sweep me off my feet. They say our thoughts can shape our reality, so let me dream. Maybe one day I’ll be more than just a dreamer…
Death. It’s something we all know is coming. We all have been touched by it in one way or another. We don’t like to think about it, because it means losing someone, or everyone. But death is the most important part of life. Because without death, there is no motivation to live. If we have forever, what drive do we have to do anything right now, in this moment? Death makes every moment important…precious. It’s what gives us drive and forces us to live in this moment…to savor it. Because we know this moment will never come again, and life has only so many moments.
When asked about regrets in life, most elderly will tell you they don’t regret the things they did, but the things they didn’t do, the chances they didn’t take. They’ll tell you that the memories that are most important when you look back aren’t the big things you’ve done, but the small moments that matter…that’s what makes life special.
Because we have a time limit on this earth we want to do things now and live every minute fully. Without that time limit, the moments don’t seem as precious as they really are.
I believe it was DaVinci that once said, “a life without love is no life at all.” He was right. I don’t know if he meant romance, but as beautiful as romance may be, life has to have love but not necessarily romance. Your whole life is made of love in one way or another. Your friends. Your family. Your pets. Your children. The list goes on. All of these people you love in one way or another. And all of these people make up your life. You live for you, yes, but what would your life be without the people you love? Love is life. And life is fleeting. Cherish every moment. Don’t take one second for granted. Because in an instant…it could all be gone… Love freely and wildly.
I’m insane. The definition of insanity is doing the same thing, expecting a different outcome. I. Am. Insane. I spend my days waiting for something. I haven’t figured out exactly what, but something… and it never comes. I’m waiting for it to come and my life to start but it never does. I just keep wasting my days away, while hoping for the next… hoping, praying, for something to change. I feel empty. I feel stuck and unfulfilled.
No matter what I do, that feeling is there… like something is missing and nothing is complete. I feel empty. Hollow. I just can’t seem to fix this. To fix me. Life just seems to be passing me by and laughing that I keep missing it at the same time. I don’t know what to do anymore. I feel like I’ve tried everything and yet nothing at all. My life is just stagnation. But I don’t know how to break this pattern.
I’ll get a job, things with family and friends will get great and I’ll start to believe my life is going somewhere, and then things just start falling apart again. Now I’m back to where I started. Jobless, broke, living with my parents, my family is always stressed and fighting and my friends who had begun to feel like my own happy family have fallen apart once again. It’s like every time my life starts to get good, things just fall apart. I’ve gotten used to waiting for the shoe to drop, but I don’t want to be. I take three steps forward and get pushed five steps back and I don’t know how much longer I can handle this endless cycle.
I know life is a series of ups and downs, I get that. But at least let me get somewhere before you kick me down?! It’s gotten to the point that there is no movement, I just keep going in circles, over and over again. I don’t know how much longer I can do this. I need change. I crave change. And only the details change. The story stays the same. I need movement. I need…freedom…
Love. Everyone knows it. We’ve seen it in movies, read about it in books, even seen people in our lives in love. We spend our lives dreaming about it and searching for it. But how do you know when you find it? People tell you “oh, you’ll know” like it’s that simple. But what if it’s not?
I’ve been in love. This I know. I’ve felt fiery passionate love and it felt like nothing could ever compare. The first year was amazing but after five years of fights and arguing we couldn’t even talk. Then I’ve felt the soft gentle love of a man I was in a relationship with for a year. And then it just…faded. One day it just wasn’t there anymore, but we stayed together until we realized we both felt it. We broke up amicably and we’re actually still good friends, best friends. But there are times when there’s still something there, when those feelings come flooding back. We’ve both felt it. But then what? They don’t really last and are fleeting. And we don’t want to ruin the amazing friendship we do have because of it.
In both instances there was definitely love there, but then it just wasn’t. What does that mean? Is love that spark and chemistry that everyone talks about and is looking for? Is it something that makes you feel like your soul is on fire in the best way possible? Or is it the soft comfort that feels like coming home, safe and gentle? Is it one or the other? Or is it both?
Needless to say Mr. Gentleman, as we’ll call him here, is still in my life and I don’t think that’ll ever change. I’ve dated others since him and it’s never been a problem. If anything Mr. Gentleman was nothing but supportive, as I have been for him. I don’t know if we’ll ever be more than just friends again, just that our friendship will always be there.
I guess what I’m confused about is…am I in love with Mr. Gentleman? It’s not what I expected it to feel like, but we know these things are over exaggerated in every story ever told. So is love passion? Or is it comfort? Or should I wait for both? …even though that may not even exist… My head and my heart are both torn…
In the past few years I’ve done a lot of soul searching and self discovery. I was clinically diagnosed with depression and anxiety. The depression was something I had been diagnosed with when I was much younger and I had been dealing with it the best I could. The anxiety, however, was something that nobody had ever caught until recently and it made the biggest difference. A lot bigger then I ever thought it would.
Realizing that made me take a new look at myself. The doctors missing that I can understand, they didn’t really know me. But how could I miss that about myself. I knew something had been wrong but I couldn’t figure out what. I just felt constantly overwhelmed and out of control.
I decided to take closer look at myself and I’m still learning new things. It made me realize, nobody ever really knows who they are, not completely, because we as human beings are always changing. We are fluid creatures. We stop changing, we die.
Self discovery is not something you need to do once, it’s something you need to do always, throughout your entire life. Don’t let anything hold you back because you just need to look at yourself a little closer. We as creatures are amazing. We can accomplish amazing things. Never stop dreaming and never stop changing.
So I’m a feminist…Well I identify as one. Though I’m not one of those nitpicking, makes something out of nothing kind of feminists.
My future sister in law, for instance, does not like the term “man cave” because of the insinuation that women aren’t allowed and the fact that there’s no “woman cave.” Now, a lot of the argument against this is that the rest of the house is. But not really in this relationship. My brother loves decorating too and he’s the one who cooks (We don’t really let her in the kitchen… for… reasons) So the house is both of theirs, and frankly, that’s how it should be regardless. That being said, my brother is very much a nerdy person and she’s, well, not. I told her if it bothers her that much call it a nerd cave. To which she answers, well I’m not a nerd. (This was not said in a derogatory way at all! She just REALLY is not. I’m more nerdy than her and that’s saying something) At this point, I just walked away because it’s their argument and I didn’t feel like dealing with it.
She’s very much a feminist, went to an all girls college, and is, in my opinion, nitpicky. I love her, I really do. I understand the reasoning behind her not liking the term, but I also understand that my brother, not just wants, but needs a space where he can just nerd out. Plus, my brother is the kind of guy that would call it that in name only. It’s not an exclusionary thing for him, just a place where he can have all the nerdiness.
This kind of thing seems to happen a lot and I see it everywhere in this world. I feel like you have to have a balance. Yes there should be equality but that doesn’t mean we should deny differences. I have a friend whose boyfriend had a man cave and she went in there all the time, it was mainly called that because that’s where they kept all the nerdy stuff.
Things that are derogatory and actually sexist I completely understand and frankly agree with. Things like the term “trophy wife” and cat-calling. Things like this, however, for me is where I just don’t see the point. It’s just argument for arguments sake, and a little bit overkill.
So my big brother is now engaged. Like in the past week. He’s amazing. He’s finally found someone who’s just as amazing. I’m so happy for him, for them both. That being said, now that wedding plans are underway, my depression, which I thought I had a handle on, has now just spiraled out of control. I don’t want to tell anyone because this is his and her time, and they deserve it so much. And I just don’t want to be that person. But I’m starting to cry myself to sleep. He’s thirty. She’s about a year older than me. And I just keep feeling like that’s never gonna happen for me.
I mean, every little girl dreams of her wedding. No one ever really thinks about the fact that that’s not a guarantee. That there are women who end up alone. And it’s not because of lack of trying or that they’re horrible people, it’s just…because. No real reason, it just happens. And no one really prepares you for that. Whenever it’s brought up people just tell you to be patient or that it’ll happen for you someday. But the truth is, it might not.
I don’t want to be told that I have plenty of time or that the right person will come along. I just want to be told that it’s ok, that I’ll be ok, whatever happens. I want to be considered a whole person, instead of waiting for my other half. I want to be told that even though that’s the norm, it doesn’t mean it’s the only happy.
So how do you deal with that? How do you deal with the fact that you may never have that person? That you may never have that family? And how do you deal with the people who can’t?
So I figure I should probably somewhat introduce myself. At least, as much is possible over a anonymous blog. I am a woman, about to be 26, blonde hair, green eyes… But me? I’m a dreamer and a gypsy. Open-minded, with an even more open heart. A free-spirit with major wanderlust. A little scared and a lot confused. I trust too easily and love too much. And I’m just trying to figure out…life.
What I’ll talk about will probably range greatly considering my interests consist of a fairly wide variety of things. There really won’t be a pattern to the posts. Some may be more informational, while others may be more emotional. This is just a place for me to be me.
Welcome. I hope you’ll stick around, because even though my life may not be the most exciting, my thoughts can quite often be worlds away.