I’m insane. The definition of insanity is doing the same thing, expecting a different outcome. I. Am. Insane. I spend my days waiting for something. I haven’t figured out exactly what, but something… and it never comes. I’m waiting for it to come and my life to start but it never does. I just keep wasting my days away, while hoping for the next… hoping, praying, for something to change. I feel empty. I feel stuck and unfulfilled.
No matter what I do, that feeling is there… like something is missing and nothing is complete. I feel empty. Hollow. I just can’t seem to fix this. To fix me. Life just seems to be passing me by and laughing that I keep missing it at the same time. I don’t know what to do anymore. I feel like I’ve tried everything and yet nothing at all. My life is just stagnation. But I don’t know how to break this pattern.
I’ll get a job, things with family and friends will get great and I’ll start to believe my life is going somewhere, and then things just start falling apart again. Now I’m back to where I started. Jobless, broke, living with my parents, my family is always stressed and fighting and my friends who had begun to feel like my own happy family have fallen apart once again. It’s like every time my life starts to get good, things just fall apart. I’ve gotten used to waiting for the shoe to drop, but I don’t want to be. I take three steps forward and get pushed five steps back and I don’t know how much longer I can handle this endless cycle.
I know life is a series of ups and downs, I get that. But at least let me get somewhere before you kick me down?! It’s gotten to the point that there is no movement, I just keep going in circles, over and over again. I don’t know how much longer I can do this. I need change. I crave change. And only the details change. The story stays the same. I need movement. I need…freedom…