Love. Everyone knows it. We’ve seen it in movies, read about it in books, even seen people in our lives in love. We spend our lives dreaming about it and searching for it. But how do you know when you find it? People tell you “oh, you’ll know” like it’s that simple. But what if it’s not?
I’ve been in love. This I know. I’ve felt fiery passionate love and it felt like nothing could ever compare. The first year was amazing but after five years of fights and arguing we couldn’t even talk. Then I’ve felt the soft gentle love of a man I was in a relationship with for a year. And then it just…faded. One day it just wasn’t there anymore, but we stayed together until we realized we both felt it. We broke up amicably and we’re actually still good friends, best friends. But there are times when there’s still something there, when those feelings come flooding back. We’ve both felt it. But then what? They don’t really last and are fleeting. And we don’t want to ruin the amazing friendship we do have because of it.
In both instances there was definitely love there, but then it just wasn’t. What does that mean? Is love that spark and chemistry that everyone talks about and is looking for? Is it something that makes you feel like your soul is on fire in the best way possible? Or is it the soft comfort that feels like coming home, safe and gentle? Is it one or the other? Or is it both?
Needless to say Mr. Gentleman, as we’ll call him here, is still in my life and I don’t think that’ll ever change. I’ve dated others since him and it’s never been a problem. If anything Mr. Gentleman was nothing but supportive, as I have been for him. I don’t know if we’ll ever be more than just friends again, just that our friendship will always be there.
I guess what I’m confused about is…am I in love with Mr. Gentleman? It’s not what I expected it to feel like, but we know these things are over exaggerated in every story ever told. So is love passion? Or is it comfort? Or should I wait for both? …even though that may not even exist… My head and my heart are both torn…