I’m insane. The definition of insanity is doing the same thing, expecting a different outcome. I. Am. Insane. I spend my days waiting for something. I haven’t figured out exactly what, but something… and it never comes. I’m waiting for it to come and my life to start but it never does. I just keep wasting my days away, while hoping for the next… hoping, praying, for something to change. I feel empty. I feel stuck and unfulfilled.
No matter what I do, that feeling is there… like something is missing and nothing is complete. I feel empty. Hollow. I just can’t seem to fix this. To fix me. Life just seems to be passing me by and laughing that I keep missing it at the same time. I don’t know what to do anymore. I feel like I’ve tried everything and yet nothing at all. My life is just stagnation. But I don’t know how to break this pattern.
I’ll get a job, things with family and friends will get great and I’ll start to believe my life is going somewhere, and then things just start falling apart again. Now I’m back to where I started. Jobless, broke, living with my parents, my family is always stressed and fighting and my friends who had begun to feel like my own happy family have fallen apart once again. It’s like every time my life starts to get good, things just fall apart. I’ve gotten used to waiting for the shoe to drop, but I don’t want to be. I take three steps forward and get pushed five steps back and I don’t know how much longer I can handle this endless cycle.
I know life is a series of ups and downs, I get that. But at least let me get somewhere before you kick me down?! It’s gotten to the point that there is no movement, I just keep going in circles, over and over again. I don’t know how much longer I can do this. I need change. I crave change. And only the details change. The story stays the same. I need movement. I need…freedom…
Love. Everyone knows it. We’ve seen it in movies, read about it in books, even seen people in our lives in love. We spend our lives dreaming about it and searching for it. But how do you know when you find it? People tell you “oh, you’ll know” like it’s that simple. But what if it’s not?
I’ve been in love. This I know. I’ve felt fiery passionate love and it felt like nothing could ever compare. The first year was amazing but after five years of fights and arguing we couldn’t even talk. Then I’ve felt the soft gentle love of a man I was in a relationship with for a year. And then it just…faded. One day it just wasn’t there anymore, but we stayed together until we realized we both felt it. We broke up amicably and we’re actually still good friends, best friends. But there are times when there’s still something there, when those feelings come flooding back. We’ve both felt it. But then what? They don’t really last and are fleeting. And we don’t want to ruin the amazing friendship we do have because of it.
In both instances there was definitely love there, but then it just wasn’t. What does that mean? Is love that spark and chemistry that everyone talks about and is looking for? Is it something that makes you feel like your soul is on fire in the best way possible? Or is it the soft comfort that feels like coming home, safe and gentle? Is it one or the other? Or is it both?
Needless to say Mr. Gentleman, as we’ll call him here, is still in my life and I don’t think that’ll ever change. I’ve dated others since him and it’s never been a problem. If anything Mr. Gentleman was nothing but supportive, as I have been for him. I don’t know if we’ll ever be more than just friends again, just that our friendship will always be there.
I guess what I’m confused about is…am I in love with Mr. Gentleman? It’s not what I expected it to feel like, but we know these things are over exaggerated in every story ever told. So is love passion? Or is it comfort? Or should I wait for both? …even though that may not even exist… My head and my heart are both torn…