In the past few years I’ve done a lot of soul searching and self discovery. I was clinically diagnosed with depression and anxiety. The depression was something I had been diagnosed with when I was much younger and I had been dealing with it the best I could. The anxiety, however, was something that nobody had ever caught until recently and it made the biggest difference. A lot bigger then I ever thought it would.
Realizing that made me take a new look at myself. The doctors missing that I can understand, they didn’t really know me. But how could I miss that about myself. I knew something had been wrong but I couldn’t figure out what. I just felt constantly overwhelmed and out of control.
I decided to take closer look at myself and I’m still learning new things. It made me realize, nobody ever really knows who they are, not completely, because we as human beings are always changing. We are fluid creatures. We stop changing, we die.
Self discovery is not something you need to do once, it’s something you need to do always, throughout your entire life. Don’t let anything hold you back because you just need to look at yourself a little closer. We as creatures are amazing. We can accomplish amazing things. Never stop dreaming and never stop changing.
So I’m a feminist…Well I identify as one. Though I’m not one of those nitpicking, makes something out of nothing kind of feminists.
My future sister in law, for instance, does not like the term “man cave” because of the insinuation that women aren’t allowed and the fact that there’s no “woman cave.” Now, a lot of the argument against this is that the rest of the house is. But not really in this relationship. My brother loves decorating too and he’s the one who cooks (We don’t really let her in the kitchen… for… reasons) So the house is both of theirs, and frankly, that’s how it should be regardless. That being said, my brother is very much a nerdy person and she’s, well, not. I told her if it bothers her that much call it a nerd cave. To which she answers, well I’m not a nerd. (This was not said in a derogatory way at all! She just REALLY is not. I’m more nerdy than her and that’s saying something) At this point, I just walked away because it’s their argument and I didn’t feel like dealing with it.
She’s very much a feminist, went to an all girls college, and is, in my opinion, nitpicky. I love her, I really do. I understand the reasoning behind her not liking the term, but I also understand that my brother, not just wants, but needs a space where he can just nerd out. Plus, my brother is the kind of guy that would call it that in name only. It’s not an exclusionary thing for him, just a place where he can have all the nerdiness.
This kind of thing seems to happen a lot and I see it everywhere in this world. I feel like you have to have a balance. Yes there should be equality but that doesn’t mean we should deny differences. I have a friend whose boyfriend had a man cave and she went in there all the time, it was mainly called that because that’s where they kept all the nerdy stuff.
Things that are derogatory and actually sexist I completely understand and frankly agree with. Things like the term “trophy wife” and cat-calling. Things like this, however, for me is where I just don’t see the point. It’s just argument for arguments sake, and a little bit overkill.
So my big brother is now engaged. Like in the past week. He’s amazing. He’s finally found someone who’s just as amazing. I’m so happy for him, for them both. That being said, now that wedding plans are underway, my depression, which I thought I had a handle on, has now just spiraled out of control. I don’t want to tell anyone because this is his and her time, and they deserve it so much. And I just don’t want to be that person. But I’m starting to cry myself to sleep. He’s thirty. She’s about a year older than me. And I just keep feeling like that’s never gonna happen for me.
I mean, every little girl dreams of her wedding. No one ever really thinks about the fact that that’s not a guarantee. That there are women who end up alone. And it’s not because of lack of trying or that they’re horrible people, it’s just…because. No real reason, it just happens. And no one really prepares you for that. Whenever it’s brought up people just tell you to be patient or that it’ll happen for you someday. But the truth is, it might not.
I don’t want to be told that I have plenty of time or that the right person will come along. I just want to be told that it’s ok, that I’ll be ok, whatever happens. I want to be considered a whole person, instead of waiting for my other half. I want to be told that even though that’s the norm, it doesn’t mean it’s the only happy.
So how do you deal with that? How do you deal with the fact that you may never have that person? That you may never have that family? And how do you deal with the people who can’t?
So I figure I should probably somewhat introduce myself. At least, as much is possible over a anonymous blog. I am a woman, about to be 26, blonde hair, green eyes… But me? I’m a dreamer and a gypsy. Open-minded, with an even more open heart. A free-spirit with major wanderlust. A little scared and a lot confused. I trust too easily and love too much. And I’m just trying to figure out…life.
What I’ll talk about will probably range greatly considering my interests consist of a fairly wide variety of things. There really won’t be a pattern to the posts. Some may be more informational, while others may be more emotional. This is just a place for me to be me.
Welcome. I hope you’ll stick around, because even though my life may not be the most exciting, my thoughts can quite often be worlds away.